it's been a while

WOW it has been nearly a year since I wrote anything.

We have had a really full on 12 months.

• We completed all the adoption courses
• We have put our business on the market, but it didn't sell so took it off again.
• I have set up a new business with my sister and now work from home two days a week.
• I have a lovely little nephew who will be 1 at the end of the month and there is another one due at the end of the year.
• We still don't have a family of our own

After completing the adoption course we were really over whelmed with the whole experience. We have completed the classes and only have the paperwork to hand in. But as you will see from the last post we found out that we found out that I maybe able to have my own children, so decided on focus on that for a while.

Every cycle I tracked my temperatures, I watched what I was eating, and each month I was very hopeful that this would be the month that our family started. But it never happened. As my cycles lengthened out my hope began to wain. By the end of the year my cycles had stopped.

I convinced myself that I simply had to accept that not all people in the world have children and I was one of these people. I don't think I ever really accepted it. I was watching one of the Hospital ER shows, and an elderly lady came in and she was 90, and she was all alone in the world, her husband had died and she never had children so there was no family at all. I cried. I do not want to be that lady with no one to care for her.

Last month I sat down with my husband and said OK! What are we going to do? Do you really want children? do you want to keep trying for our own or adoption or just carry on as it? His answer surprised me. It has always been my dream to have a family, and he was happy to go along. This day he admitted that he really did was our own family and that every time a little one came into our shop he wished that we had one. I needed to hear that, I needed to know that I was not in this alone.

So here we go again but in a tougher spot than last time, with no cycles at all. I have does some more research and have adjusted my diet, including giving up coffee.... I bloody love coffee! I still have headaches even after a week of no caffeine. I am doing more exercise, and have a doctors appointment for next week to go back on metformin. I have even made it back on to the squash court and been out for walks. I really want a magic ball to say, yes all this effort will be worth it, there will be a baby at the end of this hard process. But I have to keep working on faith.

will keep you posted.