I CAN HAVE MY OWN BABY!!

YIPPEE!!!!  HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!

after 2 and a half months of heart ache and reevaluating our lives and sadness, and after having to be pushing with my family doctor, a single progesterone test has given us the joyous news!

The second test I had on friday last week has shown a slight / border line rise in progesterone. As the nurse said, it is slight but it is there.
So that confirms that I AM ABLE TO OVULATE ON MY OWN!!! that the cycles I have been having are real ones, there are eggs being released. I can have my own children.!!!

We are over the moon. And angry at two health professional who assumed and didn't bother to test have been proved wrong.

Will fill you in on all the details of the first adoption course we went on yesterday.

 For the moment we are celebrating.!!!

joy of a wee one

With a new member of my extended family arriving this week, and it has highlighted that the thought of being a childless couple is just over whelming. As I cuddle this wee baby and then watch my sister with him I am so very thankful that we have this wee boy in our lives.

I have been reading the blog of a lady that who has struggled to have a second child. She has written about her grief, that their journey has ended. I completely understand the bone weary sadness that she feels.

This past week as been one of watching temperatures in hopes that there might be a spike and there might be a flash of a hope that we can still have our own. Also talking to a friend who is also going through the infertility struggle, she pointed out that she too was getting a temperate increase but no eggs were being released. So as I watch my temperature each morning, I fear i am watching our hopes slip away. My friend is fit, active, at the right BMI and younger than me, and still her ovaries don't work, so what hope do I have.

At least with adoption & 'home for life' there is always HOPE while our names remind on the list.
We start our classes in the next two weeks. Will try to look on the bright side and enjoy the blessing of a nephew.

My temperature has now spiked and I rushed in to get a second blood test on Friday. We now sit back and wait for the results to give us the all important answer of am I ovulating.

gggrrr health professionals can be so blinkered

Today I went back to my family Dr, as I had some questions that in aftermarth of the specalist appointment we fogot to ask.

Once the shock had worn off and we had time to think, there things that just didn't make sense.
Why after all this time had my cycles come back. And if they were anovulatory why was I getting a thermal shift in my BBT. We also want to know what else we could do to increase our chances of getting pregnant.

I was disappointed to turn up and find that my dr had not read the referral letter from the specialist. He also did not have any copies of my old notes from my visit to an Endocrinologist a few years back. This was the last time my horomone levels were tested.
And his answer like the specialist was my weight. They both have just looked at the obvious and don't have the time or inclination to look closer. So I was pushy. And asked directly why they think it that there are not eggs being realsed in the end he his only answer was that based on past records, these test and records are years old and don't take into account the last six months of cycles. The only way to know for sure would be to do a progesterone test He booked me in right there and then. According to my BBT I am close to ovulation so now is the perfect time. They will test again next week. This will give us an answer for certain either way.

I also asked about going back on metformin I was taking it years ago and it restored my cycles after a year. I am hoping that now I have a cycle the metformin will help my horomones level out. But again I had to suggest and push. It is almost like it is too much effort and the easiest answer is to tell me to go away and lose weight. I now have a script for a low dose.

But would it not make sense to have all the facts and up to date info before writing me off.?
So any other couples out there with PCOS don't just let the health professional fob you off. Arm yourself with factual info, and preferably not for forum sites ( I will update my links page with the good creditable ones I have found), and go in and push for your health and future.

Information evening, and moving forward.

We are now officially on the adoption path.
There were only 7 families at our evening meeting (there was also one that morning) Ourselves and one  other couple, the other 3 where there on their own, two may have been married. Was interesting to see the mix in ages and nationalities.

It was wonderful, sad, exciting and scary all rolled into one.
The session was overwhelming at times, and I often got confused with the terminology - who was a guardian - the birth parents or the foster parents? They used the term for both.
A large portion of the first half was about fostering and how to minims risk of allegations. This scared the b-jesus out of hubby and I. I thought 'oh my' what have we got ourselves into, we just want a child to complete our family. But they explained the background of a lot of fostered children and that protecting yourself and the child needs to be a priority.

They then went on to talk about the different kinds of care.

• Fostering - short term care: you know the child is going to be returned to the family once CYF is happy that they have the ability to care for the child themselves.

• Home for Life - this is where you bring a child into your home, and they stay, they become a member of your family. They have been for ever removed from their own family. They may have been in foster care before as their family has tried to get it right. As the foster family you share guardianship with the birth family, and have to consult on major events and decisions such as schooling, medical issues. CYF still is involved and manages contact with the birth family. After a few years and all going to plan they then are no longer considered to be in CYF's care, and they are considered your child. The child stays in your care until they turn 16. This is more common than adoption. And from what I can see in all the information we were given it is just about the same. I chatted to the co-ordinator after and she told us that it is highly unusual for a child to be given back to the birth family. It would have to go to court and a judge would decide what was in the best interests of the child. Talking to her made us feel so much better about this option. As initially we have been very wary of 'Home for Life' but are now going to be on the list for this.

• Adoption - this is where the birth family have chosen to give up the child, and the child then legally becomes your child, including getting a new birth certifcare. The info sheets describes it 'as if the child was born to you'. This is our ideal, but only happens once in a blue moon here in NZ. International adoption is our of the question for us, as it is expensive and takes a long time.

They showed us pics of different children and told us their stories. Our hearts melted and we both want to just say give us all of them, we will take them home and love them. Made me so sad that these innocent darlings have ever had to suffer, and made me angry that 'parent' could ever be so self serving. Yes we all make mistakes but these are adults, and these are choices that they made.

So I am going to have a conversation with my younger sister who is an early childhood teacher, and has a degree in that area, and talk to her about what age group we should look at. As when we submit our application we specify what age group, gender and ethnicity we are open to. We know it is a toddler or younger we would like to bring into our home but need her expert option on this.

We also need to start preparing our spare room. My youngest sister is about to have her first child, and my first nephew and we are very excited!! She and her husband intend for him to spend time at mums and our house. In that effort, mum has gone out and got a car seat that can easily be interchanged between her car and mine. We are also going to get our spare room set up, so that it is ready for when we have our nephew comes to stay and then there is a room ready for when we eventually bring our own wee one home.

It is feeling more positive. It is moving now and we can see the end in sight. We are still realistic and know what we may never get chosen and may end up being a childless couple.

But there is hope, and we need to have faith.

Pain and progress

I hope that I will eventually get to the point where hearing about babies and pregnancy doesn't hurt. The baby faries can be so cruel. People that don't deserve to have children do, and people who don't truly know and appreciate the blessing that being able to have a child get pregnant at the drop of a hat. And us a married couple with the heart and ability to truly care for a babe, struggle. The world is not a fair place. We go to the first adoption info evening tomorrow. I am excited to get the ball rolling. There may not be a child for us, but we want to give it ever chance possiable. I am also going to go back and see my doctor. I want to find out exactly where we are at with my cycles. I have started recording my temputure again. As I don't believe that my cycles would suddenly return without explanation. The specialist did not order new blood tests, so we have no idea what my horomones are doing. From what I have read it is unusual to get a thermal shift in base body temp, and to also consistently have a cycles of similar length. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anovulation But seeing the doctor will help sort all of this out. Will update tomorrow after the adoption meeting.

We have dates.

I phoned CYF on Wednesday to just fine out where things where at as it had been over 2 weeks since I last heard from them. Again I only got an answer phone, so I left a message. The only time I have ever had a live person answer is when I ring the national number.
So the very next day I get a call that they need my postal address as they would like to send out all the dates!! WOW
And low and behold they arrived today!! The info evening in on the 15th and if we go ahead the training classes start the following month. How exciting that by July we will be well on our way. Oh oh maybe we could be on the list by Christmas. But I get ahead of myself, we will get all the facts and detail on the 15th.
I am just going to keep a happy face on and hope and pray that what ever fate has planned it has a happy ending.

Adoption.

Infertility is so heartbreaking. It has meant I am struggling to find a future for myself. When we moved back and gave up so much we knew it was for the greater good of our own happy wee family. I could picture that future.

Now I am lost. I find it so hard that there are so many things beyond us. The loss of control is very hard for me.

Last week spending time with both sides of my family just reiterated how important family is. I realized that I don't want to be 90 and not have anyone to visit me or just listen to my stories.

WeI both took the week to think about what we really want. And a family is still on that list. My husband wants to make me happy but I know that he was disappoint after the dr appointment.

So we have decided to change what we eat. I know that going back to low carb eating, cutting out wheat and sugar and having a mainly veggie diet is the best thing for my body.

We are not giving up on having our own child but it can't be my focus. I know myself and know I get obsessed with things. And it would break me if I changed my whole life to attempt to have a child and it doesn't happen. I was so sad after 2 months of what i thought was cycles and not being pregnant.

So this is what we have decided to do with the support of my family. We are going to hope for a miracle but look for the positive. We have begin enquires to complete our family by adopting a child that needs us.

It can take a year or more before we even get on the adoption register and then it is waiting. We have set a time limit, that if we do not have child by my 40th then we need to move on with our lives. So we have a little while to focus on and changing our lifestyle so the wee one, be it a child of our blood or heart, will have 2 happy healthy parents for a very long time.

So today I called the 0800 number at CYF to start this new journey.
I was given the number of the local contact. I called that number, the answer phone gave me another to call, and then the next voice message told me to call the first. I left a message. Okay so we are off to a rough start. Am not taking this as a sign and will try again in the next day or so.

Sepcailist visit

Finally after 3 years of trying, and 6 months of tracking temperatures, we are off to see the specialist.

I was told I had PCOS when I was about 24, so we have always known that we were unlikely to have a child naturally and drugs would need to be involved. But we had decided to just wait and see what fate had in store for us.

We had made a massive change and sacrifice to have a family... more than most.

In 2009 one of my close friends died, she had Pancreatic cancer and at 38 left behind a husband and 2 young children. Being surrounded by her family and witnessing the embrace of that family, forced my husband and I to reassess everything.

Before this we really had not planned to have our own family. My husband has two children from his first marriage, and didn't really want more. I on the other hand secretly hoped he would change his mind.

And this is the way it stayed until one day in the haze of hospice visits, we took the weekend off to visit the zoo. Here watching families and kids happy and smiling, we realise what we were missing. I still wonder if secretly my dear friend didn't whisper in his ear... wouldn't surprise me if she did. :o)

So 3 years later here we are. We have left good jobs, sold our house, brought a struggling business all in the grandest effort to complete that dream of a family.

We went together. The Dr was lovely. Kind explained things. But the answer in the simplest terms is that it would be a 'miracle' for us to have a child without drugs. And because of my size they would not consider me to even start treatment. He carefully explained that the cycles that I had been so excited about their return, where not real ones at all. And that even though I was getting a temperate spike and a period, my eggs had firmly refused to leave the nest. An ultrasound confirmed that my ovaries were covered in cysts.

If I lost 50kgs I could start treatment. 50kgs!! I sat there and did the maths in my head. To lose that sensibly would take two years. That would make me 39 and my husband 44. The age cut off for IVF is 40.

The walk back to the car was a silent one. We were both shocked that so quickly and with one 20 minute visit everything ... everything changed.

I know a child will change our lives, but if I immersed myself totally in the world of weight loss in the effort to have a child, and the drugs and IVF fail, as we know from sad stories that it sometimes does, I am frightened it will break me forever.

We need to take time to catch our breath. I am going away next week to spend a week with family down south. So we are going to take this time to each think about what we want. And formulate a new plan.