Miracles do happen!

All the hard work was worth it! And there will soon be a little boy in our lives who will never doubt how much his mum loves him.

I worked harder than I ever had.
I worked out for at least 30 mins every day, getting up at 5.20am most days.
Giving up wheat and sugar was the best thing for my body.

After 9 months of hard work and dedication, I lost 20kgs, I ran in my first fun run and surprising myself by running 8 of the 10km. Most importantly all my hormones returned to normal levels.

This meant that my miracle could happen.
I fell pregnant in March, completely naturally, no drugs at all, just pure sweat and hard work.

My little boy is due to arrive in time for Christmas.

With a little help from my friends

With my birthday at the start of the month I was hit with the realisation that I only had 2 years until I would be out of options to have a baby. As fate would have it that was the tipping point. The next day I got chatting to Charissa who owns the local gym. By the end of the conversation she so was determined that she was going to help me on my baby journey & and that I needed to share this journey openly. No more hiding behind the computer screen. I am now being open and honest about my struggle and desire to have a baby.

I am now at the gym every day for a minimum of 30 minutes, and we have overhauled my eating.
 I am now wheat, sugar, dairy and caffeine free! 
It has been just over a week and I am loving it.
Every time I need to push myself that bit harder at the gym, I tell myself why I am doing this, and that I don't want to get to age 40 and regret that I didn't try hard enough.

Feel free to follow me on the Facebook page. I update everyday, so you can see my journey day by day.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/iMustLose

I love that others are also now being brave enough to start their own journeys, and have made contact via the page to share  their stories.

it's been a while

WOW it has been nearly a year since I wrote anything.

We have had a really full on 12 months.

• We completed all the adoption courses
• We have put our business on the market, but it didn't sell so took it off again.
• I have set up a new business with my sister and now work from home two days a week.
• I have a lovely little nephew who will be 1 at the end of the month and there is another one due at the end of the year.
• We still don't have a family of our own

After completing the adoption course we were really over whelmed with the whole experience. We have completed the classes and only have the paperwork to hand in. But as you will see from the last post we found out that we found out that I maybe able to have my own children, so decided on focus on that for a while.

Every cycle I tracked my temperatures, I watched what I was eating, and each month I was very hopeful that this would be the month that our family started. But it never happened. As my cycles lengthened out my hope began to wain. By the end of the year my cycles had stopped.

I convinced myself that I simply had to accept that not all people in the world have children and I was one of these people. I don't think I ever really accepted it. I was watching one of the Hospital ER shows, and an elderly lady came in and she was 90, and she was all alone in the world, her husband had died and she never had children so there was no family at all. I cried. I do not want to be that lady with no one to care for her.

Last month I sat down with my husband and said OK! What are we going to do? Do you really want children? do you want to keep trying for our own or adoption or just carry on as it? His answer surprised me. It has always been my dream to have a family, and he was happy to go along. This day he admitted that he really did was our own family and that every time a little one came into our shop he wished that we had one. I needed to hear that, I needed to know that I was not in this alone.

So here we go again but in a tougher spot than last time, with no cycles at all. I have does some more research and have adjusted my diet, including giving up coffee.... I bloody love coffee! I still have headaches even after a week of no caffeine. I am doing more exercise, and have a doctors appointment for next week to go back on metformin. I have even made it back on to the squash court and been out for walks. I really want a magic ball to say, yes all this effort will be worth it, there will be a baby at the end of this hard process. But I have to keep working on faith.

will keep you posted.

I CAN HAVE MY OWN BABY!!

YIPPEE!!!!  HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!!!

after 2 and a half months of heart ache and reevaluating our lives and sadness, and after having to be pushing with my family doctor, a single progesterone test has given us the joyous news!

The second test I had on friday last week has shown a slight / border line rise in progesterone. As the nurse said, it is slight but it is there.
So that confirms that I AM ABLE TO OVULATE ON MY OWN!!! that the cycles I have been having are real ones, there are eggs being released. I can have my own children.!!!

We are over the moon. And angry at two health professional who assumed and didn't bother to test have been proved wrong.

Will fill you in on all the details of the first adoption course we went on yesterday.

 For the moment we are celebrating.!!!

joy of a wee one

With a new member of my extended family arriving this week, and it has highlighted that the thought of being a childless couple is just over whelming. As I cuddle this wee baby and then watch my sister with him I am so very thankful that we have this wee boy in our lives.

I have been reading the blog of a lady that who has struggled to have a second child. She has written about her grief, that their journey has ended. I completely understand the bone weary sadness that she feels.

This past week as been one of watching temperatures in hopes that there might be a spike and there might be a flash of a hope that we can still have our own. Also talking to a friend who is also going through the infertility struggle, she pointed out that she too was getting a temperate increase but no eggs were being released. So as I watch my temperature each morning, I fear i am watching our hopes slip away. My friend is fit, active, at the right BMI and younger than me, and still her ovaries don't work, so what hope do I have.

At least with adoption & 'home for life' there is always HOPE while our names remind on the list.
We start our classes in the next two weeks. Will try to look on the bright side and enjoy the blessing of a nephew.

My temperature has now spiked and I rushed in to get a second blood test on Friday. We now sit back and wait for the results to give us the all important answer of am I ovulating.

gggrrr health professionals can be so blinkered

Today I went back to my family Dr, as I had some questions that in aftermarth of the specalist appointment we fogot to ask.

Once the shock had worn off and we had time to think, there things that just didn't make sense.
Why after all this time had my cycles come back. And if they were anovulatory why was I getting a thermal shift in my BBT. We also want to know what else we could do to increase our chances of getting pregnant.

I was disappointed to turn up and find that my dr had not read the referral letter from the specialist. He also did not have any copies of my old notes from my visit to an Endocrinologist a few years back. This was the last time my horomone levels were tested.
And his answer like the specialist was my weight. They both have just looked at the obvious and don't have the time or inclination to look closer. So I was pushy. And asked directly why they think it that there are not eggs being realsed in the end he his only answer was that based on past records, these test and records are years old and don't take into account the last six months of cycles. The only way to know for sure would be to do a progesterone test He booked me in right there and then. According to my BBT I am close to ovulation so now is the perfect time. They will test again next week. This will give us an answer for certain either way.

I also asked about going back on metformin I was taking it years ago and it restored my cycles after a year. I am hoping that now I have a cycle the metformin will help my horomones level out. But again I had to suggest and push. It is almost like it is too much effort and the easiest answer is to tell me to go away and lose weight. I now have a script for a low dose.

But would it not make sense to have all the facts and up to date info before writing me off.?
So any other couples out there with PCOS don't just let the health professional fob you off. Arm yourself with factual info, and preferably not for forum sites ( I will update my links page with the good creditable ones I have found), and go in and push for your health and future.

Information evening, and moving forward.

We are now officially on the adoption path.
There were only 7 families at our evening meeting (there was also one that morning) Ourselves and one  other couple, the other 3 where there on their own, two may have been married. Was interesting to see the mix in ages and nationalities.

It was wonderful, sad, exciting and scary all rolled into one.
The session was overwhelming at times, and I often got confused with the terminology - who was a guardian - the birth parents or the foster parents? They used the term for both.
A large portion of the first half was about fostering and how to minims risk of allegations. This scared the b-jesus out of hubby and I. I thought 'oh my' what have we got ourselves into, we just want a child to complete our family. But they explained the background of a lot of fostered children and that protecting yourself and the child needs to be a priority.

They then went on to talk about the different kinds of care.

• Fostering - short term care: you know the child is going to be returned to the family once CYF is happy that they have the ability to care for the child themselves.

• Home for Life - this is where you bring a child into your home, and they stay, they become a member of your family. They have been for ever removed from their own family. They may have been in foster care before as their family has tried to get it right. As the foster family you share guardianship with the birth family, and have to consult on major events and decisions such as schooling, medical issues. CYF still is involved and manages contact with the birth family. After a few years and all going to plan they then are no longer considered to be in CYF's care, and they are considered your child. The child stays in your care until they turn 16. This is more common than adoption. And from what I can see in all the information we were given it is just about the same. I chatted to the co-ordinator after and she told us that it is highly unusual for a child to be given back to the birth family. It would have to go to court and a judge would decide what was in the best interests of the child. Talking to her made us feel so much better about this option. As initially we have been very wary of 'Home for Life' but are now going to be on the list for this.

• Adoption - this is where the birth family have chosen to give up the child, and the child then legally becomes your child, including getting a new birth certifcare. The info sheets describes it 'as if the child was born to you'. This is our ideal, but only happens once in a blue moon here in NZ. International adoption is our of the question for us, as it is expensive and takes a long time.

They showed us pics of different children and told us their stories. Our hearts melted and we both want to just say give us all of them, we will take them home and love them. Made me so sad that these innocent darlings have ever had to suffer, and made me angry that 'parent' could ever be so self serving. Yes we all make mistakes but these are adults, and these are choices that they made.

So I am going to have a conversation with my younger sister who is an early childhood teacher, and has a degree in that area, and talk to her about what age group we should look at. As when we submit our application we specify what age group, gender and ethnicity we are open to. We know it is a toddler or younger we would like to bring into our home but need her expert option on this.

We also need to start preparing our spare room. My youngest sister is about to have her first child, and my first nephew and we are very excited!! She and her husband intend for him to spend time at mums and our house. In that effort, mum has gone out and got a car seat that can easily be interchanged between her car and mine. We are also going to get our spare room set up, so that it is ready for when we have our nephew comes to stay and then there is a room ready for when we eventually bring our own wee one home.

It is feeling more positive. It is moving now and we can see the end in sight. We are still realistic and know what we may never get chosen and may end up being a childless couple.

But there is hope, and we need to have faith.